Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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