He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
