I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Two words: blizzard sex
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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