Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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