he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
