Your dad touched me again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
