If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
