nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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