I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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