I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize