U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
