Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
