i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
