I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
