thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
