Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
