You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
