$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
