Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
