the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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