THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize