i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
