have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
