You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My vagina is officially offended.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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