Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
