he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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