i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
