I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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