Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
