Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
