i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
