Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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