You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
