legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
