dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
