how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just gargled with NyQuil
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
