you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
