she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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