His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
A bitchslap is in order.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
