Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
