i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
