She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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