Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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