my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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