every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
