I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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