no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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