O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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