I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
