I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
