Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
