I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
