did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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