I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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