I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
