also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
