here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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