There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
