I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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