I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
